No, I can't.

I figured out that I cannot "elevate" my topic from the shadow here. Instead of shutting it down, I'm switching my account.

http://kazdahero.wordpress.com



Since I don't write any diary in blog, I will unfold my daily thought in this blog above called "Ok, done. What's next?" which I had for my first blog, xanga. If you must seek, go for it.

After all

I promise. This is the last time I talk about this friend whom I once called brother, bastard, and enemy. I looked back my old relationships with people, and I felt so terrible that I didn't give second chance to him. So I did after seeing him trying so hard to make a connection with me for our last year in college.

It's not that I like him as a friend again. It's that I stopped caring, and I stopped getting involved too much with what he does. He can't go worse than what he has done, or if he does. I don't care anyways because I don't have much trust as I used to.

There is time that I look back and felt I could have treated people better if I knew the way I know today...

Oh my god

Oh my god, it's him again.

I'm getting really annoyed by being called at 3am...especially drunk. I understand he is having fun, but I don't need that call to be waken. He surely promised me when I talked to him last time to grow up.(I should have changed my number when I changed my service..) He promised me that he'll try to be respectful.


4 months have passed since then. Now he's asking me to join his company again so he can make his last year in college great!? Give me a break. I have so many things to accomplish for my future jobs, and I think most of people are trying to make their last year meaningful, too. Sure, I have gone out so many times in my freshman year, but I don't want to drag it to my senior year life. It won't be my entire life. Not just college, but life is our given time to learn. If you don't improve or learn, then you are stuck in "ordinary life." I don't want to be engulfed by this crazy continuous consequence in freshman year. I already quited.



By the way, it was first day of school in this semester today. I've already committed myself into successful result. I won't be back to write this blog for awhile, but let's see what i will be able to write next.

Friends

I finally understood that real friends aren't some people that you can go out there and find. They are some people whom you wait and spontaneously encounter with.

I've thinking too much lately because of my philosophical Marxism and Capitalism class. I sometime put myself too much into it, feel lonely, and start to degrade myself.

These friends are like magic. They take these negative thoughts away from me.
I'm glad that I finally found them.

Question

Once in awhile, I experience depression. It's like seasonal event, and when it comes, I have no way to prevent that...well, at least now. It means I still carry some part of me that accepts blame I encounter. It's not like I am childish and not capable of hearing critics about me. It's that there is I who tortures myself. I remember Christian Bale's quote on GQ magazine bit long time ago. He said that we sometime need to torture ourselves just to see if we can come out from other side of the surface.

Self-torturing and doubt have been the way to practice and strengthen myself. But it could be also said that this is totally miserable. Yes, I agree. I am proud of my progress and improvement out of this practice, but I am not for myself who needs to take this way to evolve. Once I fell in this condition, I kept pulling myself down as deep as I could go.






I hate to say this, but right now, everything seems miserable. Like...at this moment. I don't know why I'm facing to my PC and typing all of these. This is non-sense. I am not even looking for vent because I know no one will read this post, and I don't want people to worry about me.
I don't want myself to remember these depressions that I have experienced so far but what I have acquired out of it.

I guess I am so lonely. I don't know how to get out here, but what I know is that the time will somehow and eventually pull me out of this place.

You've been...ThunderSTRUK!!!

Screw the blog below. I don't care about this anymore; I'm staying away from drama and from him. It was stupid for me to expected him my norm. So screw that.

I've been fairly ok recently. I was so depressed that I got below average for first tests in molecular lab diagnosis class and biochemistry, but I have somehow managed myself for getting 97% on phsyics exam. It's really good. Since I haven't taken physics in my whole life besides this class and my previous requirment class, I really thought that I suck at physics.(well, appearently i am if I don't study.) I did not do good job on velocity and gravity constant in first one, but somehow I understood most of concepts and can apply them for advansed questions in AC/DC and circuit(you know...voltage, currentcy...these electric stuff).

There was one time that I had figured that I wanna do something related to car and engineering when I was in high school. But I have always wanted to work for health care and support people's lives. Since electricity is highly related to saving life(like when you apply certain electric shock on heart before 10~15 mins that someone's heart was stoped, you can revive people). All sudden, I started to feel good. I started to have positive attitude. So screw bad things I have been having with my friends lately!! Call me nerd instead of drama queen!!


*speaking of thunderstruk by ACDC, if you have about 4 or 5 people in your party and don't know how to have fun with beer, go ahead and play that song. Every single time that you hear word "thunder," you start to drink and continue drinking until you hear next one. See who get the longer one. You need at least 2 beer cans for each person, by the way. ;-)

Yep, about the bro again.

There is someone who is afraid to be denied. There is someone who hoped to be liked by everyone.

This is my closed friend M.



I've met with a lot of friends b/c of M and lost a lot of friends b/c of him.
According to M, the university is the place to meet new people. It is right way to think.
However, if you mess around with these people you met then split, and go on for new people, that's not right.

He likes to be liked by girls. I understand that. He likes to have sex. I understand that.
One thing that I don't understand is that he told me he quit being one night stand and doing what it is. He tempt girls over the time and make them like him. When he want to move on, he does some sexual activity with her closed friends or he invites her and shows that he is with another one.

I'm tired to see these broken heart girls who leave the door when I am there. I've seen enough of them over two years. I finally arrived to the house where I often go to have fun. There are cool people. Everything was fine besides some problems, but nothing had happened with girl problem or need for split until he spelled magic to a girl who also come there. She has boyfriend. Why can't he leave her alone? He hung out with her. He was touchy. After all that process, it is very spontaneous that the girl will start to like him. And he tells her no. It's actually better for this case b/c he didn't have any sexual activity with her and told her no other than other girls that I've seen.

Again, I finally found a house where I can hang out with friends. I have covered his mistakes for 2 years. This time, I told him not to touch that girl. I told him to avoid collision. He wasn't flexible enough. It's ok b/c people around will try to solve the problem while he is thinking that he is right and do the damn thing. This time, I'm not doing anything for you. I may actually go against him because I can't keep seeing this. I'm very stupefied. And I am trying to be good friend of him. So if there is any problem, I think I have to let him understand.

I love to step out of these problem if I can. But I can't do it because things are happening right in front of me; they don't let me avoid encountering these problems. So I have to show my opinion and tell people the way that it should be.



Last night, he and I pushed each other. He asked me not to do anything about what will happen. Sure, I was gonna pretend like I don't know what is going on. But it won't happen after a girl he broke heart told me she is confused and doesn't know what to do anymore. I love drama only when I turn the TV on. So I had to stop it. I had to fight. I'm quit to be his babysitter. I found good friends that I don't want to lose in the house. So if he puts me in danger, I have to do what I have to do. He will tell everyone that everything is my fault like he used to do. I don't care. Go ahead and look away from what you have to face. He has to learn and understand how to treat people. It's not ok to break their heart just b/c he has been broken his heart by someone else.

I'm done.
I'm done with making mistakes.
I'm done with regretting.
So I will take an action.
I will take my own action.