Things I had figured out

I had figured out several random things in these days.

1. I could cook.
I was afraid of not being able to cook in first day of my appartment life. Guess what? When I faced to kitchen, I somehow knew what to do. It was good that I didn't embrass myself in front of my friend who had dinner with me.

2. I was thought as "game freak."
When I was told it by my friend who barely know me, I was surprized little bit but lately, I was convinced. I'm online most of the time. Also, sure, my outlook kinda makes people think I play video game often. So these points probably made her seems like I am nerdy. Wrong. The truth is that I don't even have video game with me. I left them in my dad's and had occasionally played Nintendo64 Smash Brothers that my roomie owned.(I was actually good at it) I am online all the time...well, at least my PC is. I had bad tendency that I never turn it off. Also, I'm often stuck with it because of my daily task...

3. I was thought as "narcissist."
Ok, this bitch told me I am narcissist that everyone and I admit after she begged me and let me spend an hour to help her when I was actually busy. All right...I have written a lot of things about myself to my accounts. I have also posted some pictures of myself in public. I admit it. But I know she is really crazy. She can't even proud of herself for being her but insults people with failure...


Probably I should know myself better to look at what I am truly into not to lose myself. Critics aren't what I should really let to take my control.

new

new start
new semester
Probably a lot of people start to walk again with brand new heart.


not me.



I have no confidence. I really don't know if I can be successful. But I can't go back. So I'm forced to step forward. Maybe if I see the shining light again, I will start to run again. I am still dreamng to run like I used to.

So far, I have brand new kicks and brand new socks. Yea, I should get going.

The guy who killed

I was deadly tired. I did not feel good.
But today, I followed my mother's order and went to shopping with her.
Then I saw a guy...




The guy who was the cause for the death of my friend.





I saw him when I got off my car. No responce. Just apathy.
I was not ready for it. It perioded my day to worst in this week.
I tried not to look at him. So I passed by. Another guy called me...It was my friend...not closed but friend. He is always cool and I am trying to him. The guy screwed it up. He made me rude.



I had no where to bring this explosion of my emotion after all. So I stuck them inside and made another pile of sorrow.

Again and again. Even though I'm mad at you for the pathway you had chosen, I'm still on your side. R.I.P. Stephen

Somewhere you have never known

Life is endangaered as soon as you lost your way. It someitme causes the end. That's why we have to struggle to make our living. But when you have to deal with something that you haven't struggled, you start to suspect your pathway.

My best friend - well, I at least think he is my best friend - used to go to same school. At some point with unchangeable reason, I moved to the US; he moved to the UK. Our life currently shares similarity and difference... But the difference we had gradually decreased in these years.

Now I am very suspicious about my life. Where I stand and where I will go. Tomorrow is never promised. Even though you struggle, you could be gotten yourself under by the absolute figure. I look at my friend. My best friend. Even it is hard way, he has been maintaining both his work and his academic life with joy. I know the hard way indicates incredible incidents; however, I have never achieved life well such as this.

I looked over my resume again. I have never had strong belief and desire like he does. Thus the future I struggle to achieve is fake. I just did some requirement. I have lacked honesty of purpose inside. That's why I never have used my fist to fight. It's probably my biggest lack ever.


I don't want anything suitable. I want something I want.

Alone again

I'm thinking to change my school primary because my parents are not in same state as my school and if I move, I can economicaly help them. This school by my parents actually have the major I used to eager really much to get in. Maybe I should try.

But if I leave there, whatever I had struggled to get through would really sounds like a fairlytale. At that time, I was way far away from my parents. I tried to do everything I can for maintainance... They will be gone after I move.


I will be far away from my friends too. This is a touch choice. Family or my ease. Of course, the answer is already there.

surprise

There are some ways to surprise people. The level of surprise differs too like poking your friend behind and MTV's Punk'd. Commonarity of these surprises is probably intended to be surprise. Not like "Opps, it just happened!"

Yea, "Opps." This kind of total innocent surprise could be totally THE best way to surprise people.



If you readers read my blogs carefuly enough, you can easily figure out that my body language isn't English. But if I could speak these word with very closed pronounciation with native one, it may sound that I can speak English naturaly. This sort of "surprise" is what I had done to English speakers back in my home country. You may talk crap about people around with different language so they don't understand. They talk you back with same language you used.

I always did it. I always surprised people. But today, I was the one who was surprised.

I drove several hours to go to Michigan City in Indiana for my family to shop. There is a huge outlet where people with different body language shop. I was at one of clothing shops and was trying to pick some polo for my dad. I then noticed a young white lady(sorry, but I'm not white). She looked like a normal but elegant American lady. She kept looking at me and smiling little bit. So I was checking her out. She approached me and spoke my body language with mostly perfect native accent.

My brain was blank. I couldn't respond quickly. I used to brainwash myself to talk to American people in English in public. It made perfect language barrier in my head at the conversation with her. It was so weird.




It's so amazing that I was surprised by how I always surprise people. I guess I have to watch my mouth from now on.

Get along again

After missing opportunity three times, I finally made it this time. I went to my friend's party last night. I woke up at 6 am, got out of my house in Ohio, and drove to Michigan. It took me 6 hours. Later, I went to my friend's. I didn't care how tired I was. I was very excited and stayed up until 4:30 am.

I guess things are meant to be equalized. But when it is about suffering, suffering part often takes more than ease in our life. So right after the party started and when I took walk with my friends to dinner, my friend found my ex with her husband on the other side of side walk. I told them I don't care, but I was actually disgusted seeing them.

Lately my friend keeps telling me they are around and reporting me what he saw. I did not have will to compare but they are doing same thing that I did with her according to what he says.



I'm not saying it is bad. But I always look out for better way to get closer and cuddle in relationship. It's like marthon. If you stop, you can rest, but you still got certain distance left to go or you quit developing.

Oh, not just critisizm, it is seriously annoying to see them or hear about them often after I had already moved on. I don't want to intersect with my past mistake anymore. I guess I need to work on development much more.

20 hours

I rented Honda Odessay from my dad's company and spent two days to make round trip from my dad's to my appartment. After I calculated them, I figured out that I had driven 20 hours.

It's long trip for me!!


As soon as I arrived there, I had to come back to get back my house on time. It sucked!! I couldn't see my frieneds there.

I promised my father that I will come back once in two weeks from my appartment after the semester had started. I think my new semester will be very interesting.

The village

I'm so far away from my house now. I'm spending my time at my father's.
I barely have internet here. It's fine for me. I work everyday for my family so am busy.

The village he had moved is very small. Everyone knows everyone. Most of youngs leave here after graduation of high school. I look around. I see massive field filled by agricultural productions and see why with their perspective.


Yet, I can't fine nothingless. This town failed to be perfectly nothing. That's why people are easy to find lack and struggle to improve.



I won't be a civil of this village but just want to see improvement to be impressed and be stimulated.

teeth

I went to dentist to take cavity out and put silver metal in today. It was first time ever for me in the US. Even though I was wearing t-shirt says "I can resist everything but temptation" by Abercrombie & Fitch, I was scared as fuck inside.

The dentist numbed half of my face with most painful shot I have ever had. The eye of my side even sheded tear twice. After all, my brain was somehow tired but somehow high.

Yea, I was like drunk.


My mother stopped by Walmart after this dentist appointment. I saw my old friend from high school there. I think I was really rude. I was talking without thinking. Ahh...what a shame!!

I purchased mac & cheese there. Sadly, it was almost only thing I could eat tonight...

Mr. Amuzak

"There is really no way to reach me." --The Fray

I try to limit my identity in public as best I can to see how this blog can be turned out. I don't use this blog to kill my time as I used to do for xanga.



Life is boring, you know.



I was thinking today. I had been "a clown" for long time. I do a lot of stupid things. I acted like stupid. I lived really awkward. Until I became a clown, I was not laughing. I was filled with emotion of anger and hate. Life isn't fun without laugh. I did not enjoy talking with people around me then. It's sequence that laugh of others sometime make you laugh too. So I took this job to make them laugh thus myself laugh. It was very entertaining...defenetly helped to kill my long long time in life. I wanted it. Somehow I dragged this until today.

If I take this clown part off my face, what's left on me? None. I even forgot who I am. I decided to stop it. I wanted to be little honest to myself and anyone around. It was just like a band-aid. Hide and protect your scars. But it's not actually good idea to be stronger, so you should face to your scars. Now, this clown isn't anyone. It's not even me. It was ripped off.

It's not even Mr. Amuzak.




Who am I? I'm Amuzak. I used to live in Laputa. Now I'm refugee from big mess I made, from being traced, and from being trapped down by standing on the chess board. I can't even appear to be who I am. Dont' worry. I'm just waiting until this huge disaster passes through my life.

Endless Entropy

Let's start with this blog I had posted in Japanese 5/25/07 to my mixi account.

First of all, how do you define endless entropy? Let me tell you. It's not like a little trouble you can live with. It's a disaster you encounter at some point of your life. It's your choice to overcome. If you chose to do so, it shall turns you in 180 degrees.

I guess nothing has the end until you actually make effort to get out of the situation. Honestly, I made a huge mess. It broke the heart of someone I care. Bad thing is that I left it. I know what I had done and how lazy I was to clean it up. Or probably I wasn't facing to what was going on.

By the time I faced it, the mess was the effect for everyone to turn somewhere around. A month had passed people had made effort to change. You may criticize it's good now. Wrong. It's just a posteriori reasoning. I still need to clean something up and most importantly, to appologize some of them.

But now I'm glad. I am no longer binded to fantasy. I no longer need to take a role of "replacement." I can sit down and regard my own future plans calm. I don't need to be twisted around somebody's little finger anymore.



I came to understand. It's I who eagered this endless entropy to write another chapter on my life story. I'm stuck but will get out someday.




Let me dedicate this blog with appriciation and appology to the lady who reminded me through eating sushi. Thank you!! You seriously helped turning my view. That's why now I live in reality.