You've been...ThunderSTRUK!!!

Screw the blog below. I don't care about this anymore; I'm staying away from drama and from him. It was stupid for me to expected him my norm. So screw that.

I've been fairly ok recently. I was so depressed that I got below average for first tests in molecular lab diagnosis class and biochemistry, but I have somehow managed myself for getting 97% on phsyics exam. It's really good. Since I haven't taken physics in my whole life besides this class and my previous requirment class, I really thought that I suck at physics.(well, appearently i am if I don't study.) I did not do good job on velocity and gravity constant in first one, but somehow I understood most of concepts and can apply them for advansed questions in AC/DC and circuit(you know...voltage, currentcy...these electric stuff).

There was one time that I had figured that I wanna do something related to car and engineering when I was in high school. But I have always wanted to work for health care and support people's lives. Since electricity is highly related to saving life(like when you apply certain electric shock on heart before 10~15 mins that someone's heart was stoped, you can revive people). All sudden, I started to feel good. I started to have positive attitude. So screw bad things I have been having with my friends lately!! Call me nerd instead of drama queen!!


*speaking of thunderstruk by ACDC, if you have about 4 or 5 people in your party and don't know how to have fun with beer, go ahead and play that song. Every single time that you hear word "thunder," you start to drink and continue drinking until you hear next one. See who get the longer one. You need at least 2 beer cans for each person, by the way. ;-)

Yep, about the bro again.

There is someone who is afraid to be denied. There is someone who hoped to be liked by everyone.

This is my closed friend M.



I've met with a lot of friends b/c of M and lost a lot of friends b/c of him.
According to M, the university is the place to meet new people. It is right way to think.
However, if you mess around with these people you met then split, and go on for new people, that's not right.

He likes to be liked by girls. I understand that. He likes to have sex. I understand that.
One thing that I don't understand is that he told me he quit being one night stand and doing what it is. He tempt girls over the time and make them like him. When he want to move on, he does some sexual activity with her closed friends or he invites her and shows that he is with another one.

I'm tired to see these broken heart girls who leave the door when I am there. I've seen enough of them over two years. I finally arrived to the house where I often go to have fun. There are cool people. Everything was fine besides some problems, but nothing had happened with girl problem or need for split until he spelled magic to a girl who also come there. She has boyfriend. Why can't he leave her alone? He hung out with her. He was touchy. After all that process, it is very spontaneous that the girl will start to like him. And he tells her no. It's actually better for this case b/c he didn't have any sexual activity with her and told her no other than other girls that I've seen.

Again, I finally found a house where I can hang out with friends. I have covered his mistakes for 2 years. This time, I told him not to touch that girl. I told him to avoid collision. He wasn't flexible enough. It's ok b/c people around will try to solve the problem while he is thinking that he is right and do the damn thing. This time, I'm not doing anything for you. I may actually go against him because I can't keep seeing this. I'm very stupefied. And I am trying to be good friend of him. So if there is any problem, I think I have to let him understand.

I love to step out of these problem if I can. But I can't do it because things are happening right in front of me; they don't let me avoid encountering these problems. So I have to show my opinion and tell people the way that it should be.



Last night, he and I pushed each other. He asked me not to do anything about what will happen. Sure, I was gonna pretend like I don't know what is going on. But it won't happen after a girl he broke heart told me she is confused and doesn't know what to do anymore. I love drama only when I turn the TV on. So I had to stop it. I had to fight. I'm quit to be his babysitter. I found good friends that I don't want to lose in the house. So if he puts me in danger, I have to do what I have to do. He will tell everyone that everything is my fault like he used to do. I don't care. Go ahead and look away from what you have to face. He has to learn and understand how to treat people. It's not ok to break their heart just b/c he has been broken his heart by someone else.

I'm done.
I'm done with making mistakes.
I'm done with regretting.
So I will take an action.
I will take my own action.

Know Gangsta?

If my bro and I spit out about our bro Alex, the gangsta, it goes like this:

(Alex) No, you don't f**k with him!!
You better know who he is or step outside.
Besides the fact that he's great gangsta,
we love you, man...untill the death!!

There is one man you can't f**k with!!
If you do, you'll sure get a$$ whipped!!
he's gangsta, bitch. Yea the only one.
Only one you can't truely f**k with, man.
Very first time I saw him, i still remember...this is not dim.
I thought he's white as hell, but I don't mean he's pale.
In first sight, I could tell, he has a land in the hand.
he lives in a castle with the area 40 ackers.
Now you know he's top of those money makers.
Representing Rochester with the tatoo on his back.
Stone Creek, baby, where he got laid every night.
tight life with bright light. gene for life. his major
his homie, DNA. It's his major, baby!!
22 chromosomes with triple X!! If you don't get it, go ahead and take biology, bitch!!
2 stars on Good Luck Chuck. Damn right, son!!
4 stars on Eurotrip. Damn, he knows what's up!!
I don't know about 4 stars on Kingpin, but God damn, he knows movies and bobbies...yea!!

(Alex) No, you don't f**k with him!!
You better know who he is or step outside.
Besides the fact that he's great gangsta,
we love you, man...untill the death!!

Yo yo yo you know I love a muthaf**ka
Till the day I die, it's like bondage together.
We ruff ryders forever.
we ride together. we die together.
we shine on forever(like diamond)
I remember the first day we met.
Bling Bling baby, Swang Swang baby
It was up in the club when we get drunk.
Took two girls back to our place and f**ked.
Caught a VD and learned our lesson.
"Bros before hoes."
That's how I know, that you a bro fo sho.
Dont' f**k wit us. I'll bust you in your nose fo sho!!
Living together is ruffer than dying together.
Every god damn day, I stare into the barel of a gun.
And without you, Alex,
I'd shot myself. I'd killed myself; f**ked up myself.
What does it mean to truely care for someone?
What does it mean to truely love someone? I don't know.
I just knowthat you Alex, you a bro fo sho.

(Alex) No, you don't f**k with him!!
You better know who he is or step outside.
Besides the fact that he's real straight gangsta,
we love you, man...untill the death!!

Oh, Oh, Oh, Ok. let me unfold the story of alcohol.
This way, I don't think you'll be out of control.
While polices patrol, Alex and I used to crash parties.
Girls flashed whenever we took some slash of bacardie.
At Broody, we lived with good food in hood.
That's right. We eat right, drink right and s**t right.
He's THE GANGSTA baby. It's thog life!!
Instead of weapon, we carry some beer in hand.
One day he never woke up, and
I punched, kicked, and yelled at him, and
I freaked out and told it to ma homie Dequan.
screamed the name. You know how to spell it out.
A.L.E. to the mutha f**kin X!
Big and powerful like t-rex.
We gather around and drink packs of BECK's.
Afterall we take a girl and have all-night sex.
He rolls. He rolls. He rolls the dice.
Wins twice. He puts his big money in pocket.
His every choice unfolds rejoice.
That's his gangsta life. yea, VERY NICE!!

(Alex) No, you don't f**k with him!!
You better know who he is or step outside.
Besides the fact that he's great gangsta,
we love you, man...untill the death!!

--------------------------------------------------

Here is the story. My bro and I had made song called Alex in gay tone accoustic. I decided to remix this song into two versions: Heaven and Gangsta. If you have time in your hand, listen to original version, Alex at http://www.myspace.com/cslmusic
then remixes at http://www.myspace.com/kazrockstheworld

See you all there!

P.S. I wanna clearfy something. Lyrics of original version is derived from TRUTH which is expressed in gay way...in free-style without alcohol. lol Heaven version is modified further more in gay way. The lyrics of Gangsta...it's probably 25% truth. In fact, he's not a gangsta. lol

One thing that you really want to avoid with your friend

Money. Yes, money.

This is one thing(problem) you really want to avoid with your friend. This is the best way to lose trust to your friend and to you. With common sense, you really do know it well, right? But when you are somehow broke that you can't get out, you probably have to be patient.

Let me give you very very easy example.
You have only $3 in your wallet. You want $10 CD. This is reality. What would you do?

a. wait until your next salary
b. put this $3 into your investiment and wait until it expands.
c. barrow money from bank

Possibly,
d. you barrow money from your friend.

If you are with common sense, theft is not an option either "letting your friend to feed you." If this is living purpose, I do understand if you come to me for barrowing. But money is money. You have to give it back to me if we make promise(or could be contract b/c promise can be broken).

I have one of my friends who has been closed friend for me... He recently tells me he's broke. I know he pretty much goes to school by his effort and payment. Problem is that I pretty much owe him $20 for alcohol. I sometime buy him alcohol, and he tells me he wants to share. So I share and drink with him even though I don't want to drink at that moment for socialization. After all, he doesn't pay. He doesn't even want to mention about it. He loves to forget it. I do not want to interpret this by that he tries not to make me owe him by share. I did it for socializtion. Frankly, I'm out of money too. That's why I'm not eating as much as I should...no, as much as I can. That's how I save my money when I'm out of money.

I took him to library yesterday. I want him to understand that I really need to spend much time on studying for my major and my classes. It requires so much memorization and without spending time, I cannot even pass the test. He told me I haven't socialized enough. I did what I can do for him, but I told him that I'll do my best. So I mentioned about having dinner that night. He said ok. I called him dinner time. He was hanging out with friends that he clearly knows I don't hang out with. He asked me to come over. I declined and he told me that I am a bitch.



I owe him money and I am a bitch.



I went down further than the interest rate that he has in bank, I guess. Because I socialized with him, I felt it's necessary for me to go to library. So I did at 2 in the morning and pulled pretty much all-nighter to study for it. I took a test this morning and pretty much failed it.

I am sorry, my brother. Probably you may think I'm not smart enough. But get this. I am not in a class you take that will curve you from 50% to 83% and that you tell me it's so easy and you dont' need to study for. I wish mine will curve like yours. That will make my life so much better.

I have to ask him for money. I know I will get into fight. Now I'm holding a ticket of Will Ferril that I'll go with him tomorrow. I wish I can enjoy this awkwardness with the payment of $27 I made to socialize.

Exposure...Explosion...First light

I want to take off the vagueness that was grown on me here. Probably only one person I know that actually know the previous title of this blog...it was called "The day before doomsday." I wanted to mean it as "tomorrow never knows." I read a book called Kokoro(the heart of things) by Soseki Natsume last semester in my school. After I finished reading last one page, I felt it's my obligation to clear things up from the influence by the teacher in this book.

I was desperately depressed last summer. It all started from the bet I had and the bed I lost. I was dating with this girl for just one year. Toward to the end of the relationship, I had a lot of argument and collisions with her. Whatever happened, she suddenly loses her temper and destroy whatever that makes her mad. Then again, she suddenly cools down and keeps apologize. I asked her what was happening(I often couldn't understand why she has to be such in anger). She never told the reason.

I was tired to deal with everything. In fact, it was clearly seen for me that she needs to grow up. Not just the need to acquire how to control herself, but also there was need for her to understand the love I tried to give. She was always attracted to materialized love or physical attraction. It's understandable. They are something that appears on the surface first. It's easy to be sensed or seen. However, what I truely wanted her to see was the feeling behind my action. Now I stop and think. Yes, maybe I also hadn't understood her thought behind the action; therefore, she was always mad... That's probably right. It supports the idea that I also needed to grow up to be able to see what she truely wanted to imply.

Failure of communication and increase of fight had finally let me make my decision. I broke up with her. I was very mad when I broke up. It was our first anniversary. She gave me present. I gave her my present. She didn't like the one I gave. She blamed me for not well-planning for what I want to give her on first anniversary. Honestly, I barely liked the presents she gave me.(She had tendency to buy me something that she found on the way a lot and wrap it as present) But I smiled and thanked her. I loved the feeling behind her presents. When she flipped out, I told her good bye. She terrified me and told me that I'm not brave enough to actually break up with her. I seriously answered, "yes, I do."

Her friends asked me to give her chance. She called me crying. After I declined over the phone, she always tried to kill herself(well, that was actually threat). She had come to my place twice and attempted to make physical love. She failed second time. I couldn't let it go. I told her friends that I can't do this. I have hope that she will change. I can only hope because I can't change her. She has to change by herself. It was stupid hope. Because the way she begged me to get back to the relationship was very passionate, I even hoped that she will come back to me after she changed.

It was not so long time later that she started to mention this Japanese guy's name. She then told me she met him half year ago, but it seems like she was doing more work for him than she did to me before. Because I thought that she still loves me, I was jealous. I know. You can laugh at me. I knew she is on the way to love him.

I think the drama is meant to come when the devil desires. I met with a girl I could love at a party by community college. I talked to her over the phone for 2 weeks and decided to have relationship with her. She did everything that I was wishing to have with my "girlfriend" with me. She gave me what I felt thirst for. I was very satisfied then.

2 months later the day of rusted anniversary, I finally told my ex about my new relationship as I returned her call. She kept saying "how can you do this to me?" I replied "I know you love him." Two days later that she told me she loves me, I figured she had sex with this man. After that, I had chance to visit her and found used condom on the bed. I smiled and left her room. I just...started to confuse about everything. I thought that she is innocent. She always told me how she wants to have family and how she wants it like. I should had been able to accept it as it is what it is. I couldn't. I was stupified. I broke up with this girl before I start to hate woman-beings. So here is my apologie to her and everyone who felt disgusted. I am very sorry.

After then, I had deleted most of my identities online due to the reason that the conversation with the girl I dated for one year had done mostly online, and she knows where she can get me. I even changed my cellphone number and moved out my dormitory that I was living. I was even afraid to talk to her friends. So I disappeared for awhile.




About 9 months had passed. I had continous nightmare about her. I wanted to be neutralize or be friend with her and talked to her best friend. Her best friend told me that she hates me now. She dropped out her college(it was best college to go for pre-dentist...crazy!!) and now have moved to florida with this new husband and her new baby. I felt I was relieved from everything. I finally saw the light. I thought that I would be surprized. No, it's over the level of surprizing. I don't really try to understand what had happened. I just have to accept the fact that there are people with different thoughts. I now figured that I was living on her lie(That's right. An healthy baby can't be born that early!!).

I still can't be in relationship. It's just..that I'm not ready yet. At least, I don't have to live with guilt anymore. She is happy. I am happy. That's all we need. I want to live on my best. I want to make smart choice for my future. Thanks to this ex. I can now think about future and start to see the light. Live smart. That's all I want to do from now.

Shine..Shine...yes, shine on forever!!

I have finally found myself.
Last year was sequence of hell. Now I have more time to have fun and relax. It's all good.

I was tired to think of something besides the line I'm trying to drive on. On the way, I dragged in unrelated people around unreasonably. I have to appologize. I am very sorry.



Now, let me start my legend here.
Let me increase the pixel of this light so you'll see things better.
Right, I'm going up. From the shadow to the sun.

Nothing to be hidden. Let's do it.