Exposure...Explosion...First light

I want to take off the vagueness that was grown on me here. Probably only one person I know that actually know the previous title of this blog...it was called "The day before doomsday." I wanted to mean it as "tomorrow never knows." I read a book called Kokoro(the heart of things) by Soseki Natsume last semester in my school. After I finished reading last one page, I felt it's my obligation to clear things up from the influence by the teacher in this book.

I was desperately depressed last summer. It all started from the bet I had and the bed I lost. I was dating with this girl for just one year. Toward to the end of the relationship, I had a lot of argument and collisions with her. Whatever happened, she suddenly loses her temper and destroy whatever that makes her mad. Then again, she suddenly cools down and keeps apologize. I asked her what was happening(I often couldn't understand why she has to be such in anger). She never told the reason.

I was tired to deal with everything. In fact, it was clearly seen for me that she needs to grow up. Not just the need to acquire how to control herself, but also there was need for her to understand the love I tried to give. She was always attracted to materialized love or physical attraction. It's understandable. They are something that appears on the surface first. It's easy to be sensed or seen. However, what I truely wanted her to see was the feeling behind my action. Now I stop and think. Yes, maybe I also hadn't understood her thought behind the action; therefore, she was always mad... That's probably right. It supports the idea that I also needed to grow up to be able to see what she truely wanted to imply.

Failure of communication and increase of fight had finally let me make my decision. I broke up with her. I was very mad when I broke up. It was our first anniversary. She gave me present. I gave her my present. She didn't like the one I gave. She blamed me for not well-planning for what I want to give her on first anniversary. Honestly, I barely liked the presents she gave me.(She had tendency to buy me something that she found on the way a lot and wrap it as present) But I smiled and thanked her. I loved the feeling behind her presents. When she flipped out, I told her good bye. She terrified me and told me that I'm not brave enough to actually break up with her. I seriously answered, "yes, I do."

Her friends asked me to give her chance. She called me crying. After I declined over the phone, she always tried to kill herself(well, that was actually threat). She had come to my place twice and attempted to make physical love. She failed second time. I couldn't let it go. I told her friends that I can't do this. I have hope that she will change. I can only hope because I can't change her. She has to change by herself. It was stupid hope. Because the way she begged me to get back to the relationship was very passionate, I even hoped that she will come back to me after she changed.

It was not so long time later that she started to mention this Japanese guy's name. She then told me she met him half year ago, but it seems like she was doing more work for him than she did to me before. Because I thought that she still loves me, I was jealous. I know. You can laugh at me. I knew she is on the way to love him.

I think the drama is meant to come when the devil desires. I met with a girl I could love at a party by community college. I talked to her over the phone for 2 weeks and decided to have relationship with her. She did everything that I was wishing to have with my "girlfriend" with me. She gave me what I felt thirst for. I was very satisfied then.

2 months later the day of rusted anniversary, I finally told my ex about my new relationship as I returned her call. She kept saying "how can you do this to me?" I replied "I know you love him." Two days later that she told me she loves me, I figured she had sex with this man. After that, I had chance to visit her and found used condom on the bed. I smiled and left her room. I just...started to confuse about everything. I thought that she is innocent. She always told me how she wants to have family and how she wants it like. I should had been able to accept it as it is what it is. I couldn't. I was stupified. I broke up with this girl before I start to hate woman-beings. So here is my apologie to her and everyone who felt disgusted. I am very sorry.

After then, I had deleted most of my identities online due to the reason that the conversation with the girl I dated for one year had done mostly online, and she knows where she can get me. I even changed my cellphone number and moved out my dormitory that I was living. I was even afraid to talk to her friends. So I disappeared for awhile.




About 9 months had passed. I had continous nightmare about her. I wanted to be neutralize or be friend with her and talked to her best friend. Her best friend told me that she hates me now. She dropped out her college(it was best college to go for pre-dentist...crazy!!) and now have moved to florida with this new husband and her new baby. I felt I was relieved from everything. I finally saw the light. I thought that I would be surprized. No, it's over the level of surprizing. I don't really try to understand what had happened. I just have to accept the fact that there are people with different thoughts. I now figured that I was living on her lie(That's right. An healthy baby can't be born that early!!).

I still can't be in relationship. It's just..that I'm not ready yet. At least, I don't have to live with guilt anymore. She is happy. I am happy. That's all we need. I want to live on my best. I want to make smart choice for my future. Thanks to this ex. I can now think about future and start to see the light. Live smart. That's all I want to do from now.